Enter the Story

Dear Daughters,

I am now 38 years old. By the time you read this, I will be much older. And by the time it really penetrates your heart... well... that's up to you and if you listen to the experiences in your life.

Over the past years I have found that there are certain people in my life who have become extra close friends. Each friendship began with an introduction, often awkward. "Hello my name is..." followed by sweet inquiries from where one came. Maybe talk of a favorite restaurant. Most relationships will dwindle and stay at the pleasant "Hello, how are you?" stage. Don't despair...if we're honest, our hearts can't hold hundreds of close friendships anyway.

But the ones who rise to the surface... the friendships that steal our hearts from the ordinary... those are the ones worth noting.

I have done a rough inventory of my friendships. It sounds mathematical and cold, I know. But stay with me.

When I consider the friends who have truly penetrated my life, they are the ones who have stopped talking about themselves and started asking questions of me. And they are the ones of whom I want to ask questions as well. I want to live vicariously through their vacation stories and get misty eyed over the birth of their children. I want to laugh at their idiosyncrasies and have them tease me about mine.

They are the ones who listen. Who don't just "hear" my story about getting my child to sleep and then volley back information about themselves. No, they are the ones who set aside their storehouse of knowledge, tell the left side of their brain to "hush" a minute and ask great questions. Questions about feelings and moments. And then... then they respond with great facial expressions and hearty laughs and quiet pauses.

In essence, they enter the story.

I can't tell you how important it is to enter the story of life.

In fact, if you meet people in life who don't have a lot of friends, I challenge you to see how they communicate, to see if they allow themselves to enter into the minds and shoes of another person while that person tells a memory. If they're eager to quip a story back, it's clear that they're not living in the moment or reading the pages.

Here's how you know when you're entering the story: You feel it. You listen to the details and immerse yourself in their memory. You offer "you must have felt elated" or "wow, that must have hurt."

Your closest friends will want to enter your story. And you will want to enter theirs. It won't be a burden. As you become closer, you'll get to the point where you will anticipate their reaction to something and laugh at it. I can't tell you how many times I have found myself in a curious situation and thought, "Sweet mercy, this is ridiculous and hilarious. I cannot wait to tell my friend about it."

The reason that entering the story is so special and important, precious daughters, is because it will help you to know yourself and to get beyond yourself at the same time. Finding a friend who is willing to be a mirror, to reflect your fears or joys and show you other facets of something you believe to be true... that is very valuable.

Sometimes it will hurt to enter the story. In fact, during one period of my life where my womb wouldn't cooperate with bringing a baby into the world, I found myself unable to celebrate the pregnancies of my friends. It utterly paralyzed me. If these people are truly your friends, grace will cover.

Conversely, when you have a cheerleader in your life who encourages you during life's difficulties, sheds some light on the gray areas and bursts with excitement at your achievements, well, congratulations, they are a friend worth keeping.

Some of my favorite friends are my husband and my mother. I'm so grateful to both of them for making my story richer and more truthful.

I'm not sure who these friends will be for you. I see inklings of who they could be.


With some practice, I'm hoping you'll consider me one of that number.