This year I have battled many alter egos of myself. My favorite one to chase down and womp with a rubber bat is my People Pleasing Self.
She has never, not ever, built me up. She makes me crazy with giving me 10,000 scenarious about what people will think and how to work around that. She is ultimately trying to be a good girl but she makes me dizzy and then tired and then grumpy and then mean. And then she blames me for the cycle.
She is fired.
She makes me justify being a stay-at-home mother. When I'm talking with working moms, I play down anything which sounds good as a SAHM. And when I'm with stay-at-homies, I commiserate about laundry. The truth is that my family has done some health and budget and career calculations and we have determined that this job is where I need to be. It is also one of the more tedious jobs I have ever had and so I am pursuing work with my boutique design company. Point is: I'm neither and both. I can't justify that.
When someone gives me a compliment, she likes me to justify more things:
- how I had the money for something
- why my hair looks good
- how I have artistic talent
- why I am a woman.
I'm learning instead to say a simple "thank you."
She is ridiculously inclusive. She makes me work a room more than I want to at a party. If I'm in a deep, beautiful conversation with someone, she wants me to stop and equally talk to everybody. Additionally, if I disagree with someone, she wants me to smile.
Instead, this:
- There are no report cards at parties. There are people. Enjoy the people.
- If you don't agree with someone, there are polite ways to disagree. Learn those ways.
- You don't have to engage every conversation.
She wants constant affirmation.
*Tiring*
She lets people say mean things. She doesn't know how to be kind and true.
Fail.
And most importantly of all:
She is not love.
She is about appearances and the wrong kind of acceptance. She is frail and finicky. She is perfect on the outside and miserable on the inside.
But love is not. Love is strong and forgiving and washes away imperfections, keeping the personality of a person and overlooking their prickles. Love keeps people warm and offers protection. Love sands the edges, but keeps the shape of a person. Love owns.
Recently, when I was redoing my kitchen, People Pleasing Self popped her head in to say that half my friends would be jealous and the other half would think it was a crappy job. She said I should invite them all over to see my kitchen. I got stomach cramps just thinking of it. And after the bulk of the work was done, she told me that it wasn't perfect. But I didn't listen to her.
So this is what I want to say to her:
You have never improved me. You have never loved me. You have never let me be me. You made me become as neutral as possible so I wouldn't offend. You didn't let me speak truth. You always knocked on my door after a big performance and reminded me of the mistakes.
And after that, I want to say:
I love my human-ness. I love my quirks and the places from where I have come. And I love the way my friends have improved me with their quirks and the places which they have called home. I don't want perfection– not the way you offer it. I want life to have texture and meaning and you strip all of that away.
You are a magazine to which I will not subscribe.
So go knock on another door. But please know that I have told everyone your secrets and they won't listen to you either.
Love will lead the way. I will follow Love.
