List

Before the New Year, have a talk with yourself. I do. I mentally take myself out for coffee. Reflect on the things which happened which deserve a thumbs up. Remind self that the failures were wrong turns and can be avoided in the future. Operate from a place of grace. And then, when I've taken out the trash, I raise a glass of Martinellis with my family and welcome the new possibilities. Here's my brain dump:

1. I am not a supremely outgoing person. I have tried to be fun. I have thrown parties. They're okay, but I'm so nervous I feel like puking afterwards. However, I AM a one-on-one coffee drinking friend. Or tea drinking. Occasionally wine drinking. But throwing parties is for people far more extroverted, fun and flexible than I am.

1a. I do, however, like to be invited to parties. Where I am not in charge of the fun.

2. Watermelon flavored anything is outlawed. Says my mouth.

3. It's amazing that anyone can make friends in this world. What with all the syndromes and inclinations and mental health problems and personality disorders and owing to half the population suffering with depression... it's nothing short of a miracle to have a friend.

4. But making friends is way important. If you don't make friends you'll just stay inside your head all day and rehash. Best to make friends. As quickly as possible. Throw your genetic craziness into the stream of life and watch life smile upon you.

5. When it comes to athleticism I am not brave. But someone once told me that if you start running for one day in a row, then you are a runner. No badge needed. I'd like to try cross country skiing. I must be brave.

6. The days before New Years feel really odd to me. The sun shines too brightly for the frigid days. And I keep waiting for something exciting to happen. Today I bought my own excitement: Six different Jell-O flavors/colors for a rainbow Jell-O salad. It should take 5 hours to make and 37 seconds to eat. It will be pretty.

7. My trash cans are always full. Never do I say, "Oh good... the trash can is empty." Always full.

8. I'm learning to accept people who say crazy things. I used to try and change them but now I just let them be who they are. It's hardest when my six year old says things in public. I just want to hide.

9. I want to learn carpentry. Rephrase: I want to be a master cabinet maker.
*sigh* Like I have time.

10. I need to focus on illustration this year. Every other day my brain says, "You can do this." And then, alternately, "You can't do this." But artists who only work when they feel strong or inspired or pretty or enlightened are not brave. I plan to show up even when. Even when.

11. I purge my house regularly. I might be addicted to it. I don't know where this stuff is coming from b/c I'm not buying more stuff. (OH wait... Christmas.)

12. The man I married is very good to me. He is a gift and I hope I always treat him that way.

13. I have had a huge amount of friends tell me that they were pregnant this year and "not to tell anyone." To which I think two things: 1. Congratulations and 2. I want to tell someone.
Best not to tell me.

13a. I have had a lot of friends tell me they were pregnant who had been trying for, like, many, many years. It happens. I celebrate every time. Don't give up on reproduction or adoption or desiring of being a parent.

14. Someone said some crazy (negative) things about me this year and I am actually grateful for it BECAUSE it showed me the power of words and how I should be more careful with them when talking about human beings. I need to be extra careful with the words which come out of my mouth. Lesson accepted.

15. I had my hair cut and I opted for bangs. My stylist gave me a speech about bangs, about how I needed to do them every day and how they're not an easy style to have. I have bangs. They are currently pinned up but when I wear them down, I look very sassy.

16. In my parallel life, I do yoga everyday and hate sugar. I also wear breezy outfits from Banana Republic and always feel ready for every adventure my family brings my way.

17. I like my laugh. I went through a stage where my laugh was forced, but these days I find that my laugh likes to come and so I let it.

18. My best friends are scattered throughout the country. This is bad. They need to move next door to me.

19. I'd like it if I talk less in 2015 than I did in 2014. Blogging doesn't count.

20. If you found yourself on Facebook, would you like yourself? I don't mean "Facebook 'Like' button" yourself... I mean, would you say, "Hey, that is one beautiful person." Do you like yourself?

21. Fun statement to finish: I have never regretted _________________.

21a. Answers:
Being a parent.
Being a wife.
Being a sister.
Being a woman.
The hard work which becomes a very good design.

22. I love when people reject the title of "victim" and choose instead to move past a bad era of their life and do redemptive things. Own a balloon shop. Bake gluten free things for kids with allergies. Join a dance class. Start a business. Volunteer at a hospital.

23. I'm careful to not bemoan the age "40" because when thirty year olds complain about their age I feel totally annoyed. Also: Forty is truly a great age. I'm loving it.

24. I am starting to read. I am literate, but I haven't found the lure of books until (looking at watch)... late in life. I'm more of a do-er than a reader. That might change.

25. Coffee needs to be strong. And hot. And preferably creamy.

26. I would like to visit the following places: Ireland. The Redwood Forest. New York City in December.

27. Boredom can be a gift. Especially to children. This is why my kids are so creative.

28. All the things that I thought would be easy this year were hard and all the things that I thought would be hard were easy. Which shows me that I don't know how to anticipate anything and might as well strap into 2015 and thank God for life and breath.

29. When I treat my children with respect, they mirror that respect back to me. Not always, but enough that I want to treat them this way always.

30. New discovery: I love bragging about my children to their faces. I want them to know that I'm proud of them and HOW I'm proud of them. They seem to like this. It won't make them grow proud. It will make them grow secure.

31. New discovery #2: Learning to speak specific kind words to friends is important to me. Not just: "I love you" but "I love the way you (take care of homeless dogs) or (make me laugh.)" Specificity is important.

32. I have it in my mind to conquer my anxiety of dinner making this year. As in: Plan a month in advance. As in: Keep dinners simpler. This requires some organization and inventory.

33. Books I enjoyed:
Essentialism by Greg McKeown
Thrive by Arianna Huffington
Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton
Calvin and Hobbes Complete Collection by Bill Watterson

34. I want to collect all the positive people of the world and put them in my pocket.

35. Best ad campaign: Kohl's "#FindYourYes" is sticking on my fridge. "Find Your Yes." Love it.

36. I have inherited 2 more siblings (in-law) this year. This is fun. I must have more.

37. There are 79 different ways to tell the same story. Everyone has their own angle. I tend to like storytellers who like redemption, humor, truth and subtlety. Sometimes it's not possible to get all those aspects in one story.

38. I went to a conference this year for the first time in a decade. My brain was so happy that I had to leave early because it wanted to burst.

39. Raising girls is interesting because I think women have to adapt more to life than men. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not wrong.

40. New Year's Blessing: May you find joy in the simplest of things. May your heart and wallet and mind be full. But may your calendar be open and spare, allowing for unexpected joy and rest. May your hope be true. May you know The Way, The Truth and The Life.

41. I have never:
Been to a fancy schmancy New Year's party where I glam up and dance my bum off until midnight when I'm kissing, well, Dan. That would be fun.

Auld Lang Syne and all of that.

That Time I Turned Forty

When I clinked plastic SOLO cups of bubbly last New Year's Eve imagining the possibilities of the coming year, I couldn't have believed what a difference a mere 365 days could make.

I couldn't have imagined that the family from which I was raised was growing in such beautiful ways. While I was busy in Chicago trying to survive, they were busy in their homes making brave choices. Choosing to stay. Or choosing to be. Choosing to walk across a room and say hello. Marrying amazing people. I felt so wealthy when I saw them all this summer, realizing that I was related to such deep and strong and vibrant people.

I'm still battling the younger version of me who is Miss "I Can Handle This All By Myself." She is tenacious. I'm learning that controlling areas of my life doesn't bring lasting peace. I've caught up on my to-do lists approximately twice this year and it was satisfying for exactly seven seconds until the to-do list began again. Learning to let things be unfinished for a while.

When my children walked out the back door of our house and headed off to their first days of school, the house became immensely quiet. Something changed in me. I felt like my heart grew larger. I felt more peaceful. And most surprisingly, I began to pray. It has alluded me all these years. Prayer is seducing me.

My children are at an age where I think mostly fond thoughts of them. Apparently I am an "elementary children" mom. Some women go gaga for babies. I love other people's babies, but didn't enjoy the experience as much myself. I faked most of my smiles to them. That's like 5 years of lying. In any case, I have always loved them, but now I am enjoying them far more than I thought possible. They are wonderful humans.

I found myself in an interesting intersection of friendships this year. Most of my friends had gone different directions than I. (Not morally... I mean they have a lot of soccer practices to attend, etc.) So I began to reflect on friendships and what is important. Realizing that I could stay home all day and have a super clean house *cough, cough, rolling eyes* or make friends, I began to reach out to a few individuals. This was hard for me.

I am 100% happy when women own their choices in life. Their career. How they eat. If they exercise. If they choose to wear Calvin Klein clothes or shop at Goodwill. If they plan to stay home vs. work outside the home. I just love it when women encourage each other especially if their choice is different from someone else's. I'm amazed when women support each other in these decisions.

I remodeled my kitchen. Dan helped. It was harder than one would think, but easier than potty training a toddler. I gave myself mottos to keep me going, like: "Keep your eyes on the prize," which helps when you're ankle deep in debris. Also: The remodeling will never be done because we are creative, thrifty do-it-yourselfers. New remodeling word of the year: Phases. Own it.

My grandmother died this year. I was devastated by her leaving us here. No more pies. No more of her slowly-made cookies and casseroles. No more of her high pitched voice calling me, "Emmy." But after the grief, I began to dream about her and in my dreams she is holding many babies and she is very happy. I feel as though she is not dead and in a way she isn't. My thoughts of her keep me warm.

I turned forty. A lot happened. All my creative work came at once. All the weddings fell in one chunk of the year. All the new things came at once as well. Someone replaced my favorite chai tea with shots of estrogen. My friends who I thought were drifting to another realm came back to me and those who I thought were my backbone are being sent another direction. So I adjust my sails and wait for God to make sense of it all.

I'm reading. I have never called myself a reader. I read a heap of books about living more minimally and deliberately. Several of the books have probably changed me forever. By the way: I read books like I eat sandwich crust: all over the place. No order. Sometimes I read the last chapter first. Dan hates this.

I said "no" a lot. After realizing that I was becoming dangerously close to burning out in too many areas of my life, I said "no" to a ton of good things in my life. Or I politely declined invitations. It was weird to put down my people pleasing self and just listen to what my heart was saying. But so far, I'm glad I did. I used the time in more creative efforts in addition to taking excess things out of my house. Such an amazing feeling.

I cleaned house. Stuff that was in my house with no purpose got ushered to the front curb. Or the Epilepsy Foundation's second hand store. I'm purging things and allowing my eyes some breathing space which gives my mind some space, too. I approve of living with less though I'm not a shiny example of this. It's a journey.

I bought clothes that fit. And all the women said "Amen."
Colorful ones. *swoon*
I still have one maternity top which must leave the house; why the sam hill can't I get rid of it?
Small steps.

My body rejected dairy this year. I was very sick until I learned what it was. I learned a lot. I miss you, ice cream.

There are some people in my life who I care for but don't understand. So instead of rolling my eyes, God is prodding me to think kindly of them, to pray for them, to look forward to good things about them. No news yet, but I can say that my heart feels lighter.

And this non-new revelation: I love design. It's work. My back aches. My eyes dry out, but I love it. I want the designs to be useful to others. These designs sprang from a period of great sorrow in my life over 4 years ago and have proved to be so healing to me. I want the same for others. Some people believe in my work. Some just buy it because they're my friends and I bake them cookies. I'm just going to keep going and try to be mindful of what engages people. I'm hoping to study illustration this year because my drawings of people are– how do you say it– not good. Yet.

If you would have told me about all these changes at the beginning of the year, I would have hyperventilated. But the changes came just when I needed them, at just the right time. Which finds me grateful, tired and amazed.

My New Years Blessing for Friends:
"May your days be less like 'the mass of men leading lives of quiet desperation'* and more like the charming few who live with truth and inspiration."

___________________________

* "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
-Henry David Thoreau