I'm not blogging for anyone but myself tonight. Just me.
Hello, Self-
I know you feel lost lately. You feel confused why the woman who wanted another child so badly could sometimes have feelings of *stop* (whisper)... not wanting to be a mother sometimes.
Grace.
It's not that you don't want to be a mother. It's that you want to think once in a while. A whole complete thought. Not snippets. Real thoughts. Entire symphonies of beautiful, life-giving expressions.
You want to feel energetic.
And smiley and smart and godly and loving.
And sometimes pretty.
So let's start with some beautiful thoughts of the day:
- Morgan's laugh... It's like the music of rippling water. It giggles and gurgles as she lets out her joy. Beautiful.
- Eve, first thing in the morning... She always compliments what you wear: "Nice sunglasses, Mommy," she says of my reading glasses. "Nice neckwace. Nice hair. Nice skirt, Mommy." She's full of things to say.
- Is there anything more beautiful than being married to a man who will willingly set his tempo to yours each day?
Let's go running.
Let's read together.
Let's have coffee.
Let's just talk.
He's there, setting aside his desires; listening to the beat of another's thoughts and desires.
There are still sadnesses in the world.
Your parents will not remarry each other. That is sad.
Your family lives far away.
And things break just about every day during this season in life. Maddening.
But keep carrying, on, Self.
Keep finding reasons to have parties.
Keep sewing and designing and decorating.
Keep baking buttercream frosted cupcakes to eat after a super healthy salad.
Keep running and napping and laughing.
And for goodness sake, keep showering. It's not a luxury.
It's a season of life. It's okay to feel overwhelmed by the mundanity of it at times.
One day your orthodontics will come off and you'll smile more.
One day your youngest daughter will stop challenging you on every front; she'll want to get dressed on her own.
One day you'll have more time for running, though you'll probably enjoy eating cupcakes more.
Make sure you find the reasons you press on as a stay at home mom so that you don't lose heart.
Peace.
